My Case Is Scheduled for Mediation. Now What?
(Note: this blog post is general in nature and describes typical family law mediations in the Southwest Tennessee area as of May 2026. Please contact your attorney for information specific to your case and your mediation.)
You’ve filed your case, you’ve exchanged some documents, and you’re ready to resolve your case. In the vast majority of family law cases, the next step prior to a trial is mediation. You receive an email or a phone call from your attorney’s office letting you know mediation is scheduled. But maybe you’re wondering, what in the world is mediation?
What Principles Govern Mediation?
Mediation in Tennessee, which is usually but not always governed by Tennessee Supreme Court Rule 31, has several important characteristics:
It is informal. There is no judge or court reporter there. It is an attempt between you and the other side to try to resolve your differences without having a trial. No one swears to tell the truth (although honesty in negotiations is expected), and the parties may dress more informally than they would in court. They are generally able to move around freely in the mediation room, and they are allowed to eat snacks, chew gum, speak without getting permission first, and do other things that would not be allowed in a court setting.
It is confidential - that is, the other side can’t use what you offered at mediation against you in front of the judge. However, if you disclose child or elder abuse or neglect, or if you express an intent to harm, commit a crime against, or kill another person, the mediator and/or your attorney may be obligated under the law to report this disclosure to relevant authorities.
It is (mostly) voluntary. Although a judge may have ordered you to attend mediation (and if ordered, you must go), your agreement to settlement terms and your continued participation in the mediation are generally up to you, as long as you showed up to the mediation and negotiated in good faith.
What Is Mediation Like?
Mediation is generally a low-stakes, calm environment. In the counties where I practice, the setup is almost always that my client is in a room with me, the other party is in a different room with his or her attorney, and the mediator goes back and forth between the rooms facilitating negotiations. The parties usually do not see each other during the mediation, except in passing (for instance, on the way to the restroom). Rarely, mediation occurs via Zoom or other videoconferencing software. This is more common when one of the parties does not live in the area.
The mediators I use are almost always attorneys who practice family law; however, members of other professions, such as psychology or social work, are permitted to serve as Rule 31 mediators. Rule 31 family mediators undergo specific training related to negotiating resolutions in family law cases, such as divorce, custody, and adoptions. Generally speaking, you may think of a mediator as a professional whose “client” in the case is not you or the other party; the mediator is an advocate for “settlement.”
If your case involves allegations of domestic violence, we may choose a mediator who has had specialized training in those types of cases to ensure that everyone is safe. There are also mediators who speak other languages, if one of the parties does not speak English fluently.
Why Should I Try to Settle My Case at Mediation?
Many people ask me, shouldn’t I just go to trial? Well, maybe. Sometimes, cases do not resolve at mediation, at which point a trial is necessary. However, I have seen cases settle at mediation that I thought were completely hopeless beforehand. People posture in litigation, insisting that there is “no way I’m agreeing to XYZ,” but they are sometimes willing to be more flexible than they initially let on. Also, many judges will not allow the case to be set for trial, or will not allow the trial to go forward, until the parties have at least tried to settle the case.
Settlement at mediation could very well be in your best interest, if the other party is reasonable. Going to trial is expensive, both financially and emotionally. Trial preparation and trial attendance by an attorney can end up costing each side tens of thousands of dollars, and that is not even to mention the cost of a potential appeal. Mediation, on the other hand, is usually a one-day event, with a small amount of preparation. Further, if you have children with the other person (adult or minor), there is a serious emotional cost to going into court to air each of your dirty laundry and essentially complain about one another to a judge. Coparenting can be a serious challenge after dragging the other person through the mud.
Now, that is not to say that you should settle your case if the settlement is not reasonable or is manifestly not fair or not in the best interest of a child. However, you should at least “give peace a chance” before going to war in the courtroom, because judges are unpredictable. They don’t mean to be unpredictable, I’m sure, but you never know what specific fact might really upset the judge and make him or her side against you.
Judges are not computers; they are humans who come into cases with existing perspectives on life. While it is true that your lawyer might be able to predict what the judge will probably do, anyone who tells you that the judge will definitely do any particular thing is lying to you…and they’re probably motivated by money.
It’s also true that you and the other party know more about your mutual case than the lawyers or the judge will ever learn. For instance, if you share children, you potentially have years of experience of watching one another parenting the children, while the attorneys only know what you tell them, and the judge only knows what comes out in the evidence at trial. Often, a divorce trial is limited to one or two days, or 3-6 hours per side to handle all issues, including custody and assets. There is simply no way to reduce the broad experience of a child’s life into one or two days.
What Should I Bring to Mediation?
In an ideal world, you would bring the following items to a divorce mediation:
Login information, or the most recent statement for, each and every bank, retirement, investment, and debt account that you have. This includes, but is not limited to, 401(k)s, 457(b)s, IRAs, 529 plans, TCRS accounts, TSPs, credit cards, mortgages, and IRS debt;
If child support or alimony is a potential issue in your case, please bring with you the following:
your W-2 and tax return from the previous year (last 3 years if your yearly bonuses, overtime, or salary have varied significantly);
your most recent paystub (if you are in the military, your most recent Leave and Earning Statement/LES; if you are retired military, your most recent Retiree Account Statement); and
if child support is an issue, also bring the following:
proof of which individuals are covered by your health/dental/vision insurance policy;
proof of how much the health/dental/vision insurance policy costs and how often the cost is paid; and
proof of enrollment for any child in work-related childcare (daycare, camps, before and after care, etc.) and the actual amounts paid by you and the other parent over the past year
If alimony is a potential issue, bring a list of your monthly budgetary needs after the divorce, including who is currently paying each budget item (you or your spouse);
A notepad and pen or pencil;
A laptop, if you have one, and its charger;
Your cell phone and its charger;
Snacks and a water bottle (often, snacks are provided, but they might not be snacks you like);
A payment source to pay the mediator’s fee (this should be set forth in a contract sent by the mediator before the mediation, but if you don’t have it, ask your attorney for more information);
Comfort and medical items (examples: if you get cold easily, bring a jacket; if you have diabetes, bring your meter and medication; if you are breastfeeding, bring your breast pump if you will need to pump; or if you have a broken tailbone, bring your donut pillow); and
Something quiet to read or do (examples: Sudoku, crochet, adult coloring books) if there is downtime while the mediator is talking to the other party, because otherwise the two of us could just be sitting there staring at each other for an hour or more - which, let’s admit, is objectively awkward.
What Should I NOT Bring to Mediation?
Please do not bring the following to mediation without prior permission from your attorney/the mediator:
Other people who are not parties to the case (examples: your parents/grandparents, new spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends, children who are involved in the case);
Pets, even emotional support animals;
Firearms or weapons of any kind;
Mood- or mind-altering substances of any kind, including alcohol and medications;
Foods with a strong odor (examples: fish, broccoli, or heavily-spiced food if to be microwaved); or
A “bad faith” or disrespectful attitude.
How Should My Attorney Prepare Me for Mediation?
Lawyers prepare for mediation in various ways. Some lawyers provide almost no preparation to their clients unless the client specifically requests it. Others prepare a mediation notebook, an asset and debt division worksheet, a first-offer Marital Dissolution Agreement and/or Permanent Parenting Plan, and/or a confidential mediation statement that explains the case to the mediator.
There are advantages and disadvantages to each approach to preparation. People who are anxious about the process should press for a meeting with their attorney if they feel underprepared; those who wish to save money on attorney fees or those who have relatively simple cases may prefer minimal or no preparation.
Remember, nobody wins or loses a mediation, and nobody makes any decisions at a mediation without the consent of both of the parties. You do not have to settle your case if you’re uncomfortable with the terms of the offer or if you feel you do not have enough information. The mediator can pressure you, but can never force you to settle your case. Therefore, nothing truly bad is likely to happen even if you show up to mediation with no preparation at all. Again, if you have a preference on the amount of preparation your attorney does, you should address this as soon as possible after the mediation is scheduled.
What If I Have More Questions Prior to Mediation?
You should address further questions or concerns with your attorney, preferably before mediation occurs. In my office, this usually happens by the client contacting my office to schedule an appointment for preparation. If you are not available on the scheduled mediation date, you should inform your attorney and/or mediator as soon as possible.